As we work to create changes in our lives, it is most important to look forward to the kind of life that we want to create. Looking forward and relentlessly focusing on what we want makes our lives happier, stronger and more our own.
As thinking humans, however, we also like looking backwards to what has caused our lives to be the way they are now. The question about what causes us to respond to life’s challenges with tension has a very simple answer. The answer is irrational fear.
People often lose their cool when life gives them:
- challenges that they are afraid they can’t overcome,
- changes that they are afraid will threaten their safety, and
- uncertain situations that the fear will resolve in unfortunate ways.
Clearly, improving the relationship we have with fear will improve how we live our lives. A good first step in improving this relationship is to appreciate the value that fear brings when it is rational.
When fear keeps you alive, it is your friend. For example, you are walking along in search of edible berries to bring back to the cave to share with your clan, and you hear a rustling in a bush ahead of you accompanied by a fierce growl. You bolt. The fear energizes your body so you can run. It focuses your mind on getting out of there, so you can ignore the pain in your legs from running faster and harder than you ever have in your life. And you survive.
Fear, in this situation, kept you alive.
On the other hand, you are on your way to work. You are in your car. There are hundreds of cars around you. None of them are moving. You are supposed to be at work at 8:00. The clock on your dashboard says 7:59. You are late.
You are not happy about being late. You think about how your colleagues will look at you when you walk in. Perhaps your boss will have something to say. Perhaps this is the last straw, and you’re out of there. Now, how can you feed your family? If only the cars would just move! You honk your horn.
You yell at cars that are trying to change into your lane in front you. You speed up and brake aggressively trying to get ahead. You yell. You clench your jaw. You slam your fist on the steering wheel. You are, to say the least, nervous.
In this situation, fear is killing you. Killing you slowly, perhaps, but killing you just the same.
And now breathe, make sure you are relaxed, and notice where you are. You are in a moment that you can experience peacefully. The future is uncertain. But this moment, here and now, is peaceful, and you can let it be peaceful with your decision to accept the gifts from the different parts of you. There’s a part of you that is concerned with keeping you safe. You can appreciate this part. There is another part of you that values calm and serenity. You can trust these two parts of you to work together harmoniously, actively, powerfully.
It all starts with appreciate all of the different parts of you, even the parts that we might not completely understand.
Enjoy!