The steps that I am suggesting that you take in order to transcend stress are not so much strategies as they are frames of mind or attitudes. Your attitude creates your experience far more than any one action, because attitudes give meaning to the things that are going on around you and in your body.
For example, two people might be owe the same amount of money and have the same rent payment over due and they might respond completely different according to their attitudes. If John has the attitude that what he’s concerned about is permanent, personal and pervasive– as in, it’s always going to be that way, it’s because of his own character flaws and it means that his whole life is going down the tube– then John will experience a state of stress that will damage his health and also limit the creative resources that could help him improve his situation.
On the other hand, Joe has the same financial setbacks, but he also has the attitude that he’s a good person, deserves to turn things around and can accomplish anything he puts his mind to. For him, knowing that his financial situation is not as good as he wants it to be gets him excited about the challenge of turning things around.
Are you John or Joe? When things don’t go your way, do you assume their going to always be that way, or do you get resolute about creating your life the way you want it to be? Do you take setbacks to mean there’s something wrong with you, or as feedback about what to do better next time? Which frame of mind do you think would stress you out more, no matter what was going on in your life? Which frame of mind would free up your energy so that you can continually strengthen your life in the ways that you value the most?
Your attitude will determind how you respond to what the world brings. We’ve refered to several useful attitudes in this series, perhaps most notably the attitude of loving yourself and knowing that you are good. This attitude is probably not something that you can just turn on and leave on, but instead it’s a habit of mind to practice and develop by remembering to treat yourself and others lovingly and forgiving yourself when you don’t.
Another key attitude to develop is one of being in charge of yourself. This is the attitude that takes responsibility, not only for what you do and say, but also what you feel and think. This attitude rejects the “it made me,” “he made me feel,” or “I have no choice but to…” kinds of thinking. No more “I feel crappy because it rained this morning and because the boss was criticizing me all day.” This is the attitude where you know that knows that no matter what the weather does or what your boss does, you are the one who chooses how you are going to feel and what you are going to think.
Easier said than done? Obviously. But nothing can stop you from adopting this attitude. For creating the flavor of life that you want, being motivated is a good first step. A pretty simple way to get yourself motivated is to think of the pain that not having the right attitude will cause you and the pleasure that having it will bring to you.
For example, a person who let’s the actions of other people and things determine how he’s going to feel and think is going to feel pretty helpless in his or her life. He’ll spend his life waiting for something good to happen to him. He’ll blame the people around him for the quality of his life and he’ll only feel good if wonderful things happen to him and he’s able to recognize them… but he probably won’t recognize the good things that are happening to him.
The person who decides that he is in charge of himself, his life, feelings and thoughts will be quite patient and encouraging of the people around him. He’ll see the good in people and things cause he’ll look for it. He’ll see opportunities in his life cause he’ll be creating them with his attitude. He’ll find ways to feel good, even on days when it rains, the boss has feedback, or his T-Bird breaks down (maybe it’s time to get something that won’t use as much gas… or maybe it’s time to get that Lexus). More than just a polly-anna, he’ll have the power to get favorable results in challenging situations, cause his eyes will be open, looking for solutions.
Who’d you rather be? How serene or how stressed you get depends on your own perspective.
Getting motivated does a lot. And then, it’s good to have some simple steps to follow. And here are some simple steps for managing your thoughts. Use exercises like these until you have really convinced yourself that you have the ability to manage your thoughts and feelings. By that point, you will probably have developed the genuine attitude that you are in charge of the quality of your experience.
This simplified technique is derived from the art and science called Neuro-Linguistic Programming, developed by John Grinder and Richard Bandler. You’d do well to get to know these guys’ work a bit more!
Exercise 1: What you think about.
- When you’re finding yourself stressed, close your eyes and notice what your thinking about. Your boss? Your girlfriend? Your debts?
- Open your eyes and count the triangular things you can find (or red things, or plastic things). Take a deep breath and relax.
- Close your eyes again and think back to a time when you felt really relaxed. Where were you? Be there like you’re there now. What did you see around you? What could you hear?
- Try this again with something else you really like. A time you were doing something that was seriously fun or a time when you were with someone you feel incredibly grateful for. Imagine all the sights and sounds and feelings.
- Open your eyes… how do you feel?
Thinking about things that make you feel good is only one example of what you can do in your mind to create good feelings in your mind and body. There are many more.
The step I’d like to add now is to create an image of the results you want to attain. When you’ve got challenging situations, ask yourself, what situation do you want to create. Be motivated to create it and create a mental image of that result in your mind. The image alone won’t magically change outside circumstances, but it will often seem as though it does. Actually, the positive image of the result you want to create works to do two things:
- It give the unconscious parts of you a message about what to use you unconscious resources to create, and
- It gets you in a resourceful state of mind.
This is what you want. Stress is, for the most part, not a resourceful state of mind. Serenity, enthusiasm, love, appreciation and confidence… these are good resources that you can apply to your challenges.